Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
