All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
