How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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