Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
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