I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
