i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
