I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
