Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
