So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
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so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
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Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
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