I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Randomize
