Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
3pm strippers are depressing
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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