he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
we made out on top of his cat.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
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Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
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We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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