She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
