I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
