in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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