I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
