why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
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I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
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I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Shame is for Republicans.
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