i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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