Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
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