Cold hands, warm shart.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Randomize
