you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize
