I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I don't deserve a penis
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Randomize