I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
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