sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Randomize
