If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
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You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
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How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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