I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
