Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Randomize
