C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
