do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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