I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Why are your pants in the freezer?
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
