i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Randomize
