I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Randomize
