I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Randomize
