guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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