I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
