if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
