Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Randomize
