there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Just high enough for therapy.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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