I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
