she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
