walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
