i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
How's work?
Spinning.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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