i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
