The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
