No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
