im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
