You don't have asthma, your pregnant
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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