My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
