I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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