On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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