If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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