That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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